How Do I Know It's Time to Break Up?

When to let go.

Early in the dating process, it will be easier to know you need to stop seeing someone, especially if you have a clear dating roadmap in place. Most dealbreakers are easy to see within a few conversations or dates. So, if you know you’re looking for someone who wants a long-term relationship and you know you eventually want children, within the first few conversations or first few dates, you’ll likely know whether the person is a good match or not. A person who isn’t looking for something serious or who doesn’t want kids isn’t likely going to be someone you’ll keep dating.

If you’re looking for someone who doesn’t abuse alcohol only to find yourself at a bar with another guy drowning his fifth beer, you’ll know pretty quickly that it’s not going to work out. If you’ve only seen a person a few times, it’s entirely appropriate to let the person know through text message or a phone call that you won’t be seeing them again.

Yet, some incompatibilities take time to reveal themselves.

It's harder to break up if you’ve dated someone for a few months or longer. Or if you’ve slept with the person. Or, if they don’t exhibit any of your dealbreakers and they seem to check off all your other boxes, but there’s still something missing. Sometimes a person looks good on paper, but you still don’t feel right. This may mean you need to reflect more deeply on what you think you’re looking for in a partner or maybe throw away that list of what an ideal partner looks like, or maybe even rethink that list of dealbreakers if it includes superficial things like income, job status, or religion.

There are many valid reasons why people break up. Knowing it’s right to break up can be highly personal. But if you find that your needs aren’t being met, or you find that you’re seeking other people to meet those needs (or daydreaming about other people meeting those needs), it might be time to break up.

Your needs matter!

Whether it’s wanting someone who wants sex as much as you do, wanting someone who wants to go out more, or wanting someone who wants to stay home on the weekends, you have a right to want what you want and to ask for it. Sometimes the needs are deep, like wanting someone with whom you can share your feelings with authentically, and sometimes the needs are seemingly more superficial, like wanting someone who can afford to take you out to dinner on the weekends.

Don’t feel bad for wanting what you want.

There are other good reasons to break up. If you don’t trust your partner (for whatever reason), if you are fighting all the time, if you’ve grown apart, or find that when it comes time to compromise, you never get what you want, you might want to think about breaking up. If you feel drained when you hang out with the person, you find yourself annoyed all the time, or you feel like they don’t respect you, it might be time to breakup.

Sometimes, when it comes to breakups, the people around us know us better than ourselves. If you find your friends telling you that you should break up with your partner, you might want to stop and listen. Our friends sometimes know us better than we know ourselves and they know our patterns. Ask your friends why they feel the way they do. If their reasons seem valid, you might want to take some time to reflect on what they have to say and check in with how you feel.

The opposite is also true. Sometimes our friends and family fall in love with someone who isn’t right for us. If you feel like you’re staying with someone out of obligation or because everyone else tells you that you won’t find someone better, it’s important to remember that you’re the one that has to live with your relationship, not your mom, not your auntie, and not your best friend. Unless you’re looking for an arranged marriage, your dating choices are personal and they are yours.

There are also more serious reasons why you’ll need to break up.

This goes without saying, but if your partner is abusive, the sooner you find a way to safely leave, the safer you’ll be. Many people who have never been in an abusive relationship wonder why on earth anyone would ever stay. What people don’t realize is that people stay in abusive relationships for many valid reasons. Sometimes the abuse starts very quietly: a stray comment that doesn’t land well, a fight that ends with name calling, something gets broken or thrown. Over time, the abuse builds so slowly, the person in the relationship doesn’t see the escalation. The name calling becomes more personal and eventually becomes more common. The broken objects become objects thrown near you, and eventually they get so near, they hit. Because abusers tend to gaslight their partners (it was an accident, I didn’t mean it), people can find themselves deep in denial about what is happening to them.

Even when the abuse becomes undeniable, there are other reasons people stay. Some people are financially dependent on their partner. Others are afraid their partner will kill or hurt them if they try to leave (or kill or hurt their pets or children). Some people stay because they are dependent on their partner for an immigration visa, healthcare, money, or other social benefit. Some people feel so much shame around the abuse, they are afraid to admit it.

Others truly love their abusive partner. People who abuse their partners don’t abuse them 24 hours a day seven days a week. Abusive relationships go through cycles. Tension rises until it ends in an abusive or explosive episode, which is then followed by a honeymoon period. During the honeymoon period, an abused person might think that their partner will change, or that they are seeing their “real” partner. During the honeymoon period, the abusive partner may be wonderful, loving, giving, kind, supportive, and the best person ever. The problem with abuse is that over time, the cycles can become shorter and more violent (the honeymoon period lasts for shorter periods). Sometimes, the honeymoon period disappears altogether. Usually by the time a person realizes it’s time to leave, he or she fears for his or her life.

When it comes to abuse, if it happens once, it indicates a major lack of respect in the relationship. If you accept the lack of respect once, it will continue, and likely get worse as time goes on.

What started as my ex throwing beer cans near my head, became heavy objects thrown at me (he swore it was an accident), which eventually became slaps (the first one he claimed was an accident; I was too close too him and he was flailing), which became hits, which eventually led up to him strangling me by my clothing, and my being chased with a knife.

It can be scary to leave an abusive relationship. The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when she or he leaves. If you fear for your safety, you may want to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (Call 1-800-799-7233) to learn about resources near you and ways you can plan your escape.

When it comes to breaking up, trust yourself. If you find yourself constantly thinking about breaking up, it might be time.

If you want more details about how to break up, how to go no contact, and how to start dating again when you’re ready, you might want to consider becoming a paid subscriber to access content in our Manifest Love course. You can see the full syllabus here.

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